Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My dating profile:
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Thinking about Jeff
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1