I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.