My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what