“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts