Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700