After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.