1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.