I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Morning my dudes.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.