I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
*bites zombie*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
#NeverForget
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you