Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You Might Also Like
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
😂💯
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic