guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn鈥檛 gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My first child will be named New Folder.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn鈥檛 have any because I鈥檓 not an animal.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
For today鈥檚 Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what鈥檚 his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You鈥檙e always on that damn phone
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don鈥檛 say she has a big head.
Don鈥檛 say she has a big head.Me: At least you don鈥檛 have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
me: you hear old macdonald鈥檚 farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you鈥檙e nuts!
me: no. your nuts
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE鈥橲 MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: 鈥hat
handsome & gretel
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”