Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you