THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]