I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy