You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me, flirting😏
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?