You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know