a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When I said I liked it rough.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know