Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*