wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.