You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever