What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
can you read it!!??
maan!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.