girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.