Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter