[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.