“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room