There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.