My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Admin smashed it 😂
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”