I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.