Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Support your local cemetery
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes