Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: