Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.