I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.