Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Well, that didn’t work.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]