We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.