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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Holy crap this is wonderful
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill