*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?