*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.