nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Ha.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Can’t, holding a grudge