My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
You Might Also Like
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.