do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”