“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I wish I were this cool 😂
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
#JohnTravolta
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.