I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full