me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
You Might Also Like
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I WON A HAM TODAY
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper