Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I think about this a lot
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
2022: I can fix it
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR