My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.