For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You Might Also Like
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
was Jim off killing horses or…
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.