If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit