Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Yep.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
this makes me so uncomfortable
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no