*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
You Might Also Like
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter