Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.